THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL 1. Pick the cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw away soggy pill. 4. Take a new pill from the bottle, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from atop the armoire. Call spouse from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from the bottle. Make note to buy new ruler and curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for repairing. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with soap and cold water. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with spoon. Flick pill down throat with a rubber band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink another beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt in trash and put on another one. 12. Call the fire department to get the damn cat from the tree across the street. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid hitting the cat. 13. Tie the bastard's front paws to rear paws with duct tape and bind tightly to leg of table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from the shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on the way home to order a new table. 15. Call and make arrangements for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from hell. Call the pet shop and see if they have any hamsters. HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL 1. Wrap it in bacon.
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY Day number 180 8:00 AM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 AM - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 AM - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 AM - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 AM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! Day number 181 8:00 AM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 AM - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 AM - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 AM - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 AM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed. DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan. DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer.." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
MORE ON THE DOG AND CAT HOW TO WASH THE CAT 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up. 3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. 5. Flush the toiler three or four times. This provides a "power wash" and "rinse", which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. Sincerely, The DogBack:
DOG PET PEEVES 1. Blaming your farts on me ......not funny.....not funny at all. 2. Yelling at me for barking.....I AM A DOG!!! 3. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat spit?!?! 4. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? 5. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...........stop it. 6. Yelling at me for rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet? 7. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet. 8. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. We both know the truth.....you're just jealous. 9. Dog sweater. Hello.....have you noticed the fur? 10. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. 11. When you pick up the poop in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me? 12. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back. 13. The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb? 1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, weíve got our whole lives ahead of us, and youíre inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? 2. Border Collie: Just one. And then Iíll replace any wiring thatís not up to code. 3. Dachshund: You know I canít reach that stupid lamp! 4. Rottweiler: Make me. 5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. 6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please! 7. German Shepherd: Iíll change it as soon as Iíve led these people from the dark, check to make sure I havenít missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. 8. Jack Russell Terrier: Iíll just pop it in while Iím bouncing off the walls and furniture. 9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Iím sorry, but I donít see a light bulb? 10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. 11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. 12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there... 13. Greyhound: It isnít moving. Who cares? 14. Corgi: First, Iíll put all the light bulbs in a little circle... 15. Poodle: Iíll just blow in the Border Collieís ear and heíll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. The Catís Answer: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?